Good news, failed bankers. The Central Intelligence Agency is collecting the worthless flotsam of the great ship Wall Street for “a mission like no other” — economic and financial analysis for the U.S. government! Because, y’know, you financial pros did such an awesome job of that the first time around. The CIA will be interviewing laid-off bankers for these government intelligence jobs at “a secret location” in New York next week. So if you’re lucky, now you can get paid way less money to screw up for the government! At least you’ll get to say you work in intelligence, which wouldn’t necessarily be the first word I’d use to describe your industry.
In related news, the Drug Enforcement Administration has hired Sammy Sosa and Manny Ramirez to lead its anti-drug outreach efforts in Latin America, the Federal Election Commission has signed Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei as a consultant to ensure that U.S. elections are free and fair, and Republicans have tapped Nevada Senator John Ensign to sit on the Senate Ethics Committee.
(Illustration: Library of Congress)