The United States is inviting Iran to its birthday party. U.S. embassies and consulates around the world have been instructed by the State Department to welcome “representatives from the government of Iran” to their Fourth of July celebrations this year. Hot dogs, fireworks, lame speeches, commemorative red-white-and-blue t-shirts — what magnanimity!
But as long as we’re all getting together for hot dogs, why not solve this thing FOX style? Remember how Japan and the U.S. worked out their complicated differences with a televised hot dog eating contest? The classy Japanese champ (and human) Takeru Kobayashi got out-snarfed by a giant Alaskan bear. We totally reasserted our global dominance. America!
So as long as we’re having the Iranians over for hot dogs on July 4, why not just settle things once and for all with a hot dog eating contest? We’ll send Joey Chestnut. The Iranians can send the “Iranian Hercules” — world record-holding weightlifter Hossein Rezazadeh. Should be a good match. Whoever eats the most hot dogs gets Iraq.
(Photo: Mike Johnson / TheBusyBrain.com)